Jesus, I am at my breaking point. I'm being pulled in 1900 directions and I'm just lost....I really need to get away from this shit. I need to crawl in a hole and stay there for a while. MY GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm about to snap, I really am.

I feel like if I give up on him, then he's lost...I know, taht sounds a little dramatic, but I'm the only one who has hope for him. I'm the only one who pushes him to be better. And he has gotten better since we met, his family has told me so. But it's like, he's at a point where he doesn't want to do anymore, he doesn't want to change anymore. I know the man he can be, wants to be...so I push him to be that. Nobody else does, cuz nobody else thinks he can change. But he can and deep down, he wants to. But he's scared....and Im scared that if this keeps up, I will only be hurting myself. And I can't sacrifice myself in order to try to make someone a better person. Right?

The way he was tonight....the way we were. I feel bad, but I was brutally honest. I said everything that's run through my mind for the past month. I've told him about all the times he's disappointed me, the times he's hurt me, hurt his family, hurt himself. I told him he needed to change it now before it was too late....he said he couldn't, I didn't know the shit he's been through. But does that give him the excuse to act like an ass to everyone? NO! People have hurt me and screwed me over, but I don't treat everybody like shit! I treat the shitheads like shit...and even then I'm too forgiving. So I have my own faults too, thanks to the past. I love him so much, the man he can be, and it kills me to see him like this. I want him to be happy and have the love in his life that people want to show him, that I want to show him. But he won't let me! He won't let anybody! I don't understand and I don't know how to deal with this.

I think I've finally met someone who's as big a mental case as I am.....

ok so maybe it did work..lol..damn. but i'm still stickin with the karma thing... Everything you've ever done to EVERYONE will come back on you and you'll finally get what you deserve.

SOOOOOOOOOOOOO yesterday sucked, but ended ok..lol. I stood Jami up, I feel bad...I LOVE YOU JAMI! There's a psychic/prophet in Hton that she's been to and I really wanna go! I think it'd be cool as hell!! lol...anybody wanna loan me $35?
The deal was that I was gonna move out, he was gonna keep the couch, and we were gonna take some time to sort through all our baggage. But he called today...he wants me to come to Logan...lol...and we're going to the Massey thing together. We can't stay away from each other!!!!  I'm gonna clean my room up a bit so we can get my bed back in there then I'm gonna stop and see him for a while before class....ew! Our final is tomororw tho! WOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm so excited for this to be over.
I'm on vacation this week....but the only full day I get is Wednesday. Thursday and Friday are doctor appointments...woop. Friday's is 9am!! YUCK!

Shane got the job at Aracoma! They do the swing shift thing and he thinks that will help us cuz we'd get to spend more time together. I dont know if that would help us or put one of us in jail for murder...hmmmmmm....

But I gotta go get ready and shit cuz I gotta study! EW!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I AM SO SICK OF STUDYING AND TESTS AND LECTURES AND BLAH!!!!!!!!!!

shane brought me my bed.....

i have NOTHING now....nothing but a bed.

MY SCRUBS JUST CAME IN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

lol...I'm super excited! And they're not nearly as ugly as I thought!!! WOO!

Well, I was sorta ok with the decision I'd made about movin back in...but now I'm here...home...and I don't want to leave. I'm confused. My heart is being tugged in two different directions, and they're both equally good and equally bad so what do I do? I know, I know, Shane's a big asshole most of the time...lol...and I said I'd NEVER go back, but what you listening to me for? I love him...I can't help myself. I fought so hard to make him mine, we've been through so much, it's jsut hard to let that go. It's hard to forget about all the plans we made and everything we've tried for. But it's also hard to forget about all the shit he's pulled, all the times he hurt me. Shewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.......

I'm so tired. I hate havin a summer class, it blows. But only 6 more days of it!! WOOHOO!!! and onlye 5 more days til I'm on vacation from work! Not that I'm going anywhere...but I don't have to get up early! Well, Shane doesnt let me sleep in..he's so annoying!!!!!! so I will be gettin up earlier than I want, but not 8 am! YIPPIE!!!!!! I can't wait to just sit on my ass for a week...lol...

So, we're supposed to start saving up for a beach trip...we'll see.

OH! And I am SUPER excited about Hank Jr. comin to the Massey thingy this year...HOLY CRAP!!!!!!!!!!!! I love that man and I'm am PSYCHED!!!!!! I'm gonna get all drunk on Jim Beam and go watch hank jr! HOW FREAKIN COOL IS THAT?!?!?! I jsut hope I don't run into any of my parents while I'm drunk...haha.

Ummmmm...not a whole lot's been happening. Jenn's really pregnant...I haven't seen her in like a week, I miss her.

Bucky's and Mamaw's anniversaries are comin up....not lookin forward to it.

And a new book in my series is comin out!!!!!!!!!!!!! June 20!!!!!!!!!!!!! She's (Janet Evanovich) is doin a book signing in Connecticut and I really wanna go! ANybody wanna go with me?! Didn't think so.....damn.

Ok, I'm going back to Logan to sleep. Nite kids.